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TrousersDen: (sings) On a clear day... you can see my penis.Colin: What are you going to wear for Top Of The Pops? Vim: I'm gonna wear black, I think. Something really tight around, you know, the crotch... Colin: Yeah, that's important, but it's so difficult to find trousers that fit round the waist and yet still show off, you know, the undercarriage. Vim: Well, you have to get those really thin ones. It's like wearing a pair of tights, really. Colin: Yeah, I guess we could... We could just paint our legs black, how would that work? Vim: You'd have to paint your knob black as well. Colin: Yeah. Den: And it'd dangle about a bit, you know, I mean, if you... Spider: Well, that's good though, isn't it? Den: No, but, it'd sort of... Colin: It would just look like a painted knob rather than a pair of trousers. Vim: You couldn't pad it then, either, could you? Colin: No, that's true. You could sellotape the cucumber on, I suppose... no, that'd be a giveaway, though. Den: Do you use a cucumber? Colin: ...Yeah. Den: Oh. Vim: What do you use, Den? Den: I just stuff an old pair of socks down there. Vim: I use a big stick of broccoli, 'cause it's got a better shape... it's a more interesting idea. Den: Don't you get all kind of green juice down your leg? Colin: Well, I guess it's okay as long as you wear your black trousers, then it just goes straight down the side of your boot and you can wash your feet at the end of the gig. (Guitar solo plays.) Colin: Shut up a tick. Vim? Vim: Yeah? Colin: Did you ask Den to overdub my bass? Vim: Yeah! Colin: But that's not fair! Vim: But he didn't do it. Spider: He did. I saw him, I was there. Colin: There you are, you said you did it. Den: No, no I didn't. Colin: Yes you did. Den: No I didn't. Colin: Well, who did? Somebody did it. Spider: You did, Den, I was there! Colin: I don't use... Den: Alright, alright, I fucking did, so what? So what if I did? So what? Vim: Oh God! Colin: Well, it's not fair! What would you think if I came in and overdubbed your guitar? Den: But you haven't. Colin: But what would you think if I did? Den: Well, it's obvious. Colin: What would you think? Den: Well, we'd all think it was crap. Colin: No, but I mean what would you, inside... Vim: He's got a point there! Colin: What would you, inside, feel? Vim: But he's got a point, hasn't he? Den: What would I inside feel? Colin: Yes. Den: I'd feel "Oh fuck, I've got to go and do it all again 'cause Colin's wiped off the rhythm guitar." Colin: Alright, but what if I did it and it was better than you? Den: But it isn't! Colin: Yeah, but that's not the point! What I'm saying is, somebody else has overdubbed your guitar... Den: No! No, somebody else has overdubbed your bass! Colin: Yes, but... Spider: Yeah, it was you, I was there! Colin: I know it was him! I'm saying it's not right! Hush now. Den: What do you mean, it's not right? It is! Every note's right! Colin: No, but I mean morally, it's incorrect. Surely you can understand that, all of you. Spider: But you can't play the bass. That's why he did it. Colin: Yes I CAN play the bass, I just wasn't given long enough. I had about... twenty cracks at it, that's all. Den: Yeah, what, a day? Colin: Yes, and if I'd been allowed another day at it I could have got that little string of notes. Spider: I think it would have taken twenty YEARS before you got it, Colin. Colin: I think we should all leave this studio now and talk about this outside. Den: Well, look, I'm sorry, Colin, then. I'm sorry that I overdubbed your bass... Vim: What do you wanna go for? Colin: I just want to go outside so that we can settle who overdubbed my bass. Den: You wanna step outside about...? Colin: Yes I do! Yes I ruddy well do! Den: Right, okay. Okay. In fact, why do we have to step outside? Colin: Because somebody might... Den: Why don't we fucking do it NOW then, if that's what you want? Colin: That's not what I want, you know that's... Den: That's what you want! Colin: No, that's not... listen. Den: What? Colin: Den, I'm not criticising you, I... Den: You fucking were! Colin: I think... Den: You fucking were! (Den starts punching Colin.) Spider: Oh come on guys, look, stop it! (A fight breaks out. Lots of punches, shouting and breaking equipment.) Spider: Dennis! Den, you stupid fucker, get away from... (Spider's drums are knocked over. The fight stops. Colin is whimpering and trying not to cry.) Spider: Oh, Den, you stupid cunt, look what you've done now. Are you alright, Colin? Colin: (tearfully) You'll pay for these ruddy trousers! Den: He asked me to... Colin: Get away from me! Get away from me! Spider: Den, stop it! Den: He asked me... you want some more, then? Colin: Get away from me! Den: You want some more? Colin: No I don't want... Den: You want some fucking more? Colin: Take your bloody hands off me, you... (Minor scuffle.) Vim: Leave him alone! Colin: Foul mouthed... you... you big prick! Den: Just fucking watch it. Colin: Prick. (Another punch.) |